Bitter Marmalade
by viranne
Summary: Nine years ago, Yuu broke up with Miki and left for New York. Miki never followed him and never learned the reason why Yuu broke up with her. They haven't seen each other since. Now, both 26 years old, their paths cross once again.
1. Nine Years

It is only 11:00am and already I have lost all concentration to work again.

I stare at the drawings in front of me. Precise. Clean. They were drawn completely perfect.

But what was it that Paul said at my last review?

"Yuu, your drawings are always wonderful. They are everything I expect from someone who graduated at the top of their class. But…"

And there was the but…

"Your designs always lack certain emotion. Things that say, this is a work of Yuu Matsuura. Where is your passion? Gees, how many times do I have to say this? Buildings are just not beams and plaster. They should be a reflection of the architect. Your thoughts, your emotions. Right here."

Paul had thumped his right fist onto his chest to make the point.

"No matter how aesthetically pleasing they are, your designs don't connect well with people."

And that is why, after four years of studying architecture, and five years working at the New York office of Archer & Marcox Architects, I still haven't been able to head my own project.

"Look Yuu, I can't give you a project on your own until you can actually give me a design that I can look at and feel that is a Yuu Matsuura design."

I don't blame Paul for not letting me head a project. Rather, I completely understand what he means. Sometimes I look at my own work and I wonder, why can't I put a part of myself in it?

_Empty inside._

When exactly did this happen?

Why do I bother asking, I know exactly when.

Nine years ago.

I run my hands through my blonde hair. It's getting long again, I really should cut it.

I pick up my coffee mug. When all concentration is gone and my mind wanders to things I don't want to remember, going for coffee seems like the only thing left to do.

"Hey Yuu, wait up, I need some caffeine too. Just need to find my mug"

I look over to the desk beside me to see a mess of chestnut brown hair rise up above a towering stack of drafting paper.

Mark's war zone desk really shouldn't be a shock to me anymore, but still, I burst out laughing as he slowly places one, then two, three, four, five, six…..a total of nine paper cups on top of the paper pile.

"Found it! But aargh, I don't think I should really drink anything from it again. I guess I'll grab another paper cup"

Mark joined the firm about a couple of years ago. He is very popular in the firm and probably made more friends in his first few days here than I had made since I started. He is probably the first close friend I've had in a while ever since Bill moved to California, and that is only because Mark was pretty insistent in bringing me along in everything no matter how much I resisted.

_Hey Yuu, come out for drinks with us or else I'm going to unplug your computer._

_Put down that pencil, we are all going for lunch, my treat!_

_Yuu, you play tennis right? You got to help me out, my partner skipped out on me and I have a doubles match tonight!_

"So how was the date with Rachel last night?" I asked. Despite his messy appearance, Mark easily attracts women around him with his easy charm. Yesterday however, the normally suave lady's killer was actually nervous about his date with the new marketing executive at the firm.

"Good good," he smiles. "We went to dinner, then grabbed a drink at Julio's and just talked for hours. We're going out again tomorrow night."

"Congrats! She is a good catch."

"Haha, yeah. Well, once you confirmed that Rachel didn't ask you out first before asking me, I knew we were going to work out."

I laugh. It is a joke between us. When Mark first arrived at the firm, a woman from the accounts department came and asked me out. When I said I was too busy to go, she turned right around and asked Mark out. Mark is the kind of guy who is too nice to say no and would go out on at least one time out of politeness. That one date turned out to be a complete disaster involving a kitchen fire, a blackout for six blocks, and a severe case of food poisoning. Shortly after, Mark agreed to go out with another woman who had asked me out first. That date ended up with a hospital visit, a broken leg, and another case of severe food poisoning.

"She's all yours Mark. Didn't you notice how she turned all red the first time she saw you? I don't think she even knows I exist."

Mark grins. "So what about you join us for dinner tomorrow so that I can introduce her to you? I can ask Rachel to bring along another friend. The four of us can play a doubles game of tennis before dinner."

"Nice try Mark."

Mark tries hard trying to set me up on dates. Only Mark continues to persist while everyone else in the firm stopped trying ages ago to set me up. Of course, I've heard people chatting about why I don't date. Last week, I overheard two people saying I don't date because I was secretly in love with Mark and was hoping to start a torrid affair with him.

I gave up on dating a while ago. In university, I went on a couple of group dates, but the girls never interested me. I always smiled politely, but in the end when they give me their phone numbers asking me to call them up soon, I always throw away the piece of paper on my way home.

None of them interest me.

Not after Miki.

A smile and a clench escape from my heart. It is mixed sweetness and bitterness when I think of Miki.

Even now, nine years since I last saw her.

Miki, the love of my life.

Miki, my half-sister.

I sigh. I need to go for more coffee.

It is almost 5:00pm. Paul has been in a meeting with Joan, one of the senior architects of the firm, for more than an hour. I had hoped to show him some of the drawings he asked for, but if his meeting don't end soon…

Suddenly, Paul's office door opens. He scans the room until his eyes land on mine, and he motions me into his office.

Joan is sitting in one of the chairs in front of Paul's desk, and smiles warmly at me when I enter. "You have an exciting project ahead of you Yuu," she says.

Paul indicates for me to sit down in the chair beside Joan while he goes back to his chair. Paul peers at me for a few seconds and then gives me a small smile.

"Okay Yuu. I must admit, I am still a bit hesitant about how much you have been able to develop your designs, but I do have faith in your abilities and also because we are in a bit of a jam…"

"We want you to take over a renovation project," says Joan. "I originally agreed to take it, but the directors of the museum project in Paris have received a huge donation recently and so they want to expand the original designs. It turns out I'm going to be too busy to take this second project."

I am going to get to head a project?

"It is the Himekawa Cultural Center in Tokyo that was originally designed in the 1960s. The project our firm is undertaking is modeled after the Louvre renovation project. It will involve renovating the old parts of the building, but also adding new elements including a new wing, which will be your main concern."

The Himekawa Cultural Center. How many times have I passed by it when I was a teenager? Admiring its design, thinking how one day I would like to be an architect so that I can be a part of creating something like it….

"It is without a doubt that you are very talented architect Yuu, and since you are fluent in Japanese, it will make communicating with our Japanese partners a lot easier…"

Can I do it though? Paul's earlier words echoes through my head. What part of me would I put into the design?

"A Japanese firm, Higurashi Design, is going to be our partner on the interior renovations, so you will be working closely with them."

Higurashi Design…

Wait…

Miki…

She is there.

"If you have any hesitations or concerns Yuu, it's okay to let us know. The Himekawa cultural center is not huge project, but we understand it is quite a significant institution in Tokyo. If for any reasons you don't think you can…."

I stand up quickly. I want this. I want this project.

"Thank you for the confidence in me. I will gladly accept this project."

I have spent nine years running away from her.

Yet knowing she is there, what did I just say?

What have I just agreed to?


	2. Her Smiling Face

It has been two weeks since I accepted the Himekawa project to where_she_ is.

It is only two days away until I fly back to Japan to where _she_ is.

But unless I come up with final drawings tonight, I'm not going anywhere.

I sigh.

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

_Stop…_

Nothing, my mind is blank. I struggle to do what I know Paul wants me to do. Put a piece of myself into the drawings. My heart. But I know whenever I open my heart, it is the thought of _her_ that is there.

Her smiling face.

My hands start moving.

_Sketch… _

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

I have been quite good at shutting her out of my daily conscious thoughts for years. They creep in at night as I lie alone in bed, but during the day, most of the time, I can stop thinking about her. But now, knowing I will probably see her in a couple of days, I can't stop thinking about her.

Her smiling face.

_Sketch… _

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

It has been nine years.

Nine years since I learned Miki and I were half-siblings. Nine years since I broke up with her, telling her my heart had gone cold. Nine years since I've kept the truth from her. Nine years since I have left Japan. Nine years since I've seen her smiling face.

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

I remember how I used to watch her in class, as her face scrunched in concentration, oblivious to my attention. Strays of her soft brown hair would always fall loose from her ponytail. I'd wish I could reach out to gently caress her cheek, and bring the loose hairs behind her ears.

I wonder how her hair looks like now. Our parents used to send family photos to me while I was in university, family photos including her. She had cut her hair short for a while. She looked so cute. No, that wasn't the right word. She looked beautiful. She was smiling, but I always wonder if it is just my imagination that I detected a bit of sadness behind the smiles. It might have just been the selfish part of me wishing she still missed me, thought of me, even though I truly did want her to move on with her life.

She would be crushed if she knew she was in love with her half-brother.

And that her half-brother was in love with her.

Still madly in love with her.

I had to protect her. That's why I had to run away.

Protect her smiling face.

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

So why is it that I accepted this project, knowing Miki is there?

Because I'm an idiot.

When I heard Paul and Joan describing the project, hearing that our firm would be partnered Higurashi Design for the work on the interior renovations, I recognized the firm's name immediately.

After all, I have been following Miki's career from afar. All those times when I kept my ears open to every little detail while talking to our parents. Prying for whatever information I could from Miwa. More recently, reading about and seeing photographs of her work in various industry magazines. Admiring how much she has grown from the girl who didn't really seem to know what she wanted to do with her future to becoming successful and well recognized for her work.

I wonder when it was that she decided to go into interior designs.

Part of me used to hope it was because of me.

I used to scourover magazine articles where she was interviewed.Magazines with photos of her smiling face.

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

_Sketch…_

I tried to see if I might be mentioned somewhere. I was not.

But it was okay. Because Miki was happy. She was happy with her work; she seemed to be living the good life. Only I was still struggling. But I accept it because of her. I want her to keep smiling.

As long as she was smiling, I would be happy.

Right?

I look down at the paper in front of me. Opening my heart, filling my head with thoughts of Miki has helped to fill the pages in front of me.

I say aloud, "Work accomplished."

But I don't think I can afford to open my heart too much no matter how productive.

Because even though she is happy, I am still hurting.

* * *

"This is excellent Yuu!" Exclaims Paul. "I got to say, I was getting a bit worried. Your original drafts were good, but not great. But these, definitely the Himekawa and Higurashi people will be impressed when you show these to them tomorrow."

"Thanks Paul"

"Wow Yuu, you really have been hiding your true talents all this time," grins Mark. "I guess your lowly assistant won't have to pick up too much of your slack in Japan after all."

I grin back. "Don't make me regret choosing you as my vice-head Mark"

I grin, but what I really feel inside is panic.

Only one day away.

I can't explain the immense relief I felt when Paul said I was allowed to choose someone from the firm to go with me to the Japan office. Mark agreed to come without hesitation.

He doesn't know about my history with Miki, but maybe he saw the panic in my eyes when I invited him.

I know I need all the support I can get for the upcoming months.

Only one day away till I see her smiling face again.


	3. Pleasant Stranger

Thank you very much for all the feedback! This is only my second fanfic, so I'm really glad to know you guys are enjoying it. Here is Chapter 3. Please continue to read and review!

* * *

I glanced at the framed magazine covers and articles that line Higurashi Design's lobby as I entered. I noticed her name printed prominently in many of them. It wasn't a surprise to me since I have been collecting reviews and notices of her work for years. But still, as I saw them, I felt a swell of pride in my heart. Miki's hard work and talent being recognized.

I am sweating in anticipation even though we are already more than 30 minutes into the meeting.

Saki Higurashi is sitting beside me at the end of the long conference table. From what I have observed so far, she lives up to her reputation as the strong and capable owner and head designer of Higurashi Design. Remembering the articles that I have read about the firm, Saki Higurashi started the firm when she was around my age, because she was tired of working under the constrictions and politics of a large firm at her old job. Ten years later, she has managed to keep her firm small but still able to help it gain international recognition by undertaking significant interior design projects throughout Japan and the world.

She is examining the designs I have brought, and she has been discussing its details with me. I notice that words have been coming out of my mouth in response. Even though my mind is wandering outside the conference room.

My eyes searched for her as I walked through the large studio office space, but I could not spot her. But perhaps she has spotted me?

On the plane, I imagined the different scenarios in which we might meet up with each other again.

I thought we might run into each other by accident as I enter the studio. Our bags and papers falling haplessly to the ground. As we scramble to pick them up, our eyes would meet and we would freeze on the spot.

I wondered how she might react when she sees me again. Does she even know I was coming? Would she be happy, sad, angry?

I'm not sure what I want it to be.

I also don't know what my own reaction will be when I see her again. My own true reaction, and what reactionI shouldput on my face.

I laugh out loud.

Mark, sitting on the other side of me, just told a joke. Ms. Hirugashi started laughing and now I am laughing along.

I have no idea what the joke was.

I lean forward and start pointing at one of the designs.

My mind needs to focus. I know seeing Miki again has been at the foremost of my mind on this trip. However, I can't lose sight of the fact that this is also the first project I am heading in my professional career. In these past years, I have been recognized as a talent at Archer & Marcox Architects. An unfulfilled talent. I have wanted this chance to prove myself, and now that I finally have it, I cannot let my thoughts and worries about Miki consume me.

Or at least try my best not to.

I remember some additional drafts I drew on the plane and took them out of my folder to show Ms. Higurashi.

"Higurashi-san…"

"Please, just call me Saki. I've been working with enough firms outside of Japan to be comfortable with using first names only. You don't mind if I just refer to you as Yuu and Mark then?"

"It works perfectly for me," says Mark smiling. "I tried getting Yuu to teach me the proper way to address people while on the plane, but I'm afraid I didn't remember too much."

"Don't worry about it at this office. Higurashi Design has been working with international partners for a long time. Everyone in the office is fluent in English and is comfortable with western customs. However, having a Japanese translator is usually necessary for our partners to deal with the construction and other project workers outside of this office. It was a pleasant surprise when I heard that Archer & Marcox were sending over a Japanese architect. Yuu, your Japanese background will come into good use for this project."

"I will try my best. It has been a while since I have been to Japan though."

"How long has it been?"

"Nine years"

"So long! Is you family here or are they in New York?"

"My parents live in Japan, but they are currently on an extended vacation to Hawaii. They probably won't be back till halfway through the project."

I laugh inwardly just thinking about our parents in Hawaii once more. I wonder if they still wear matching Hawaiian shirts on the beach.

"What about brothers and sisters?"

That is a difficult question. Of course I never thought of her that way, but technically, does _she_ count?

"I…"

"Yuu has a step-sister"

Her voice.

The door to the conference room had opened without my noticing.

Time seems to stand still as I look up to see her at the doorway.

I take in her image before me.

Her eyes were bright. Bright with what emotion I am not certain, but she looks directly at me. Her hair had grown long, and its soft curls flows to the middle of her back. She was dressed in a simple black knit top with a swooping neck and a soft gray skirt. She has grown so much from the 17-year-old high school girl I last saw.

Without consciously knowing it, I draw in a sharp intake of breath.

She has grown so much more beautiful.

"Cough"

Perhaps time only stood still for me, because aside from making an obviously fake cough out loud, Mark was stepping on my shoe underneath the table.

Finally, I am able to mutter something out loud.

"Miki"

She smiles at me. "Hi, Yuu, it has been a long time."

Saki smiles surprisingly between the two of us. "You two know each other?"

Our eyes break contact and she turns to look at Saki. "Yuu is my step-brother."

I am still looking at Miki, but I can feel Mark's eyes boring into my head. I have some explaining to do later.

Saki and Miki are the only ones who are able to talk.

"This is a surprise Miki, you never told me you had a brother."

"We are not that close. Our parents were only married for a year before Yuu left for America and he has been there ever since. It has been nine years since we last saw each other."

She looks back my way.

"But it is very good to see you again Yuu."

In all the scenarios that I played in my head of how Miki and I would meet each other, I never expected this. Not just that she called me her step-brother, but it is the way she looks at me now.

It crushes my heart beyond any other scenario possible.

She smiles at me as though I am a pleasant stranger.


	4. Adversaries By Way Of Change

I was encountering writer's block, so this update came a lot later than I wanted to. I hope I can write faster for the next chapter.

Thank you everyone for your reviews! Please continue to R&R. :-D

* * *

"_It has been too long since we last saw each other Yuu."_

_She smiled at me with that smile._

"_I recognized the name of your architecture firm when the project was first announced. Still, I was surprised to learn it was you who will be heading this project."_

_She smiled at me again._

"_It is going to be interesting to work together, don't you think?"_

That was two weeks ago. Two weeks since I came back to Japan after nine years in the States. Two weeks since I stepped into the interior design firm where Miki works. Two weeks since I found out Miki will be my main partner for the project I have undertaken.

_It's going to be interesting to work together, don't you think?_

Interesting is not exactlyhow I would describe it.

More like torture.

I come to the firm each day expecting the worse.

This is the day we are finally going to talk about what happened nine years ago.

I prepared speeches in my head.

_Why did you leave Yuu? A tear-streaked Miki would ask._

It was me, it wasn't you.

_You bastard, how could you not come back to see us for nine years?_

You don't understand the heartache I have been suffering.

_Oh? You haven't been back for nine years? That's interesting. I never noticed it before._

That is how it feels sometimes.

Beyond the first day when we exchanged small talk about our respective parents, we haven't discussed anything personal. Every discussion was work.

The most personal she has gotten was when Mark mentioned our occasional tennis matches in New York and she remarked I used to be pretty good when I was in high school.

She then continued her discussion about good tennis clubs in Tokyo with Mark and they began arranging possible tennis outings together.

She is getting along very well with Mark, and I find myself looking at them with jealousy some times.

Mark knows all about my history with Miki. That evening after the first meeting with Miki, he refused to leave my hotel room until I explained why I stared so long at this stepsister that I never mentioned before. I finally relented and told him everything. Our parents' couple exchange, our living in the same house, our falling in love with each other, my finding out we were half-siblings, and my breaking up with her and leaving Japan without telling her the reason why. Mark reacted similar to how Miwa did nine years ago when I shared with him my secret. Was I sure? I should have asked our parents. I should still ask my parents. It took me a long time to convince him there was no hope. Miki is my half-sister, and it is something she must never know.

Looking at them now, I remind myself that Mark is just behaving as I asked him to. Be normal around Miki without acknowledging he knows all about our past.

I remind myself Mark has Rachel back home, and that I know for a fact they talk on the phone every night.

Most importantly, I remind myself that Miki is my half-sister and that it really shouldn't matter if she does like my best friend who I know is a good guy.

I don't even know if she already has a boyfriend. There are thousands of questions about her current life that I want to ask, but I don't feel as though I have a right to.

Especially since she hasn't opened that door to her personal life.

Anyone looking at us now would never guess we were anything more than colleagues.

What an act we all put on.

But what if she is not acting.

_Pleasant stranger_.

I may be the only one acting.

* * *

"This won't do. I don't like this concept at all." 

Mr. Nonaka, the director of Himekawa Cultural Center, casts aside the drawings.

My drawings.

Saki sits at the head of the table, drumming her fingers on the table.

"Perhaps you can explain your concept a bit better to us Yuu."

"I am confused about the concept too. I know we did mention integrating a new wing into the original structure, but this design seems to overtake the original building" states Ms. Kinoshita, one of the main sponsors of the renovation project.

Mr. Nonaka places his hands flatly on the table. "Obviously you could have done a better job in creating a more cohesive design, couldn't you?"

I dig my fingernails into my legs underneath the conference table.

Stay calm.

Keep your cool.

It's my design. I believed in it.

Believed? Past tense?

Believe. I believe in my design.

I have to make them understand.

"I understand the original project was just do a mild renovation of the original structurewhile adding a new wing that contained new design elements. However, once I came back and saw the building, I felt that just adding new design elements to the additional wing is not enough. I believe, using the budget you have already outline, I can accomplish integrating a new façade to the original building as well to create…"

"Don't you think you are over-stepping your duties just a bit?" asks Mr. Nonaka with a raised eyebrow.

Take a deep breath.

"I understand you all have a strong attachment to the original building, I do as well. I don't want to overtake it, that is why..."

"I think putting up a new façade is a disrespect to the traditions and integrity of our culture."

"Yes yes, why cover up the old face of the center? We are talking about a cultural center that acts as a heart for our city."

Deep breathe.

I feel my confidence slowly slipping away.

How do I make them understand.

They all look towards me, expecting some answer. Saki continues to drum her fingers. Mr. Nonaka glares at me. Ms Kinoshita peers up from her glasses.

I feel alone in the room.

"I think I understand Yuu's design."

All eyes shift away from me to the woman sitting across the table from me.

Miki.

She has picked up the drawings that Mr. Nonaka had discarded earlier, and her eyes look at them with deep concentration.

"The façade that Yuu has designed is made entirely of glass. It is as though it is encasing the traditional building. Protecting it."

Yes.

She smiles at me. I look to her eyes.

_You can do it Yuu_.

Deep breathe.

I need to find my voice.

"When visitors walk towards the building, at first glance, I want them to think of it as something contemporary. A reflection of now. The Tokyo that exists at the present.

I look into her eyes. _Yes_, they say.

"But walking into new glass atrium, you will immediately see the main entrance that is Himekawa center of the old. The traditions and integrity of Tokyo."

I look into her eyes again.

They give me confidence to continue.

"The theme of my design is that no matter how changes appear on the outside, the core and foundation remains the same. The integrity of our traditional culturedoes not changeand we must protect them."

I look into all of their eyes. They are all listening to me.

"Even though the Himekawa Center is an important building in Tokyo, time has passed and the building has aged in a way that people don't look at it the same way anymore. They pass by it without acknowledging the beauty of the original design. In a city of everything new, people have forgotten to admire the Himekawa building. I don't want them to ignore it any longer."

They are starting to understand.

"My designs for the new façade are not meant to cover original Himekawa Center. Yes, in a way, it is meant to bring it into the current feel of Tokyo, but more importantly, it is meant to act as a viewing glass. It is like objects put in museums or galleries. They are held in glass boxes to highlight and protect the object within. That is what my vision is. It is something of the old, a core, a foundation, that is being preserved against the adversariesby way ofchange."

Finally, I manage to convey exactly what I wanted.

"I think I'm starting to understand what you mean, Mr. Matsuura."

Mr. Nonaka was looking at my drawings once more as Miki passed them back to him.

Ms. Kinoshita nods her head as well.

"Yes, at first glance, I did not understand. But hearing your explanation, I grasp it now too. The new additions, it does not take away from the past. The core. Instead, it helps to strengthen the original. You have my support to go ahead with this."

They all began to talk excitedly about what needs to be done now that they approve of the design.

I want to collapse to the back of my chair and just breathe a big sigh of relief. For the first time in two weeks, I feel like I can finally breathe normally.

I look to her across the table. She is taking with concentrated attention to Saki.

She had confidence in me that I did not have.

_Thank you Miki_.

* * *

"I thought that meeting was never going to end!" Mark stretched his arms into the air. 

"Well, once they finally understood what Yuu wanted to express in his designs, they were excited to dive into every detail," explains Miki.

The meeting finally ended, and only the three of us were left in the conference room to gather up our papers.

"We were lucky to have this princess in shining armor save our butts, Yuu."

Miki laughs. "They were just too stubborn to open their eyes a little. I just helped to interrupt their stubbornness."

I gather the last of my papers and look up to her face.

She doesn't understand how much she helped. In the meeting, just when I felt most lost and alone, she alone spoke up and helped me find my confidence again.

"Why don't we all go out for dinner together?" suggests Mark. "Yuu's treat."

I laugh out loud. "Fine fine, I will treat."

Dinner out with Miki. Away from work. It would be a first.

"Where do you want to eat Miki?"

She looks to me.

There is hesitation.

"I'm sorry, but I already have plans."

Oh. I need to hide my disappointment.

"Well, another time perhaps. I really want to repay you for…"

But I never did not get to finish what I wanted to say.

At that moment, there was a knock on the open door and a man stepped in.

He looked around at us in the room before his eyes stoppedon her.

"Oh hey, Miki, there you are. I was waiting for you in the lobby, but Saki passed by and said I could find you here."

He had dark brown hair. He walks up to her. He was dressed in a suit and a trench coat. He smiles down at her. He looked around my age.

But I didn't notice any of this until later.

All I saw was that when he came in, he took her in his arms and he kissed her.

He kissed her on the lips.


	5. Move On

Thank you for all the comments! There are some of them I want to respond to, but answering them might give the plot away!I hope you will find the answers to your questions as the story continues.

Actually, some of the comments make me go "Hmmm..." and makes me wonder if I should change the plot I have already laid out in my head. For example:

Purple-lantern: After you wrote that, I thought maybe I should go back and change the man at the end of Chapter 4 to fit Kei's description. It would be nice if I could incorporate more original characters in the story. Then I thought I quite like the pairing of Kei and Suzu-chan suggested at the end of the series and I like to think they are living happily ever after sincenine years ago. :-D

Anyways, this is a short chapter compared to the others, but hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless.

Please continue to R&R!

* * *

How does it feel when the world crumbles around you? 

I can't say this holds true for everyone, but this is how I feel.

I cannot move.

The stack of paper and folders in my arms. They are frozen there. I feel like I should drop them on the ground in shock, but my arms don't move.

The smile that I had on earlier, when I tried to cover my disappointment she couldn't make it to dinner, it does not move from on my face.

I think I hear a thousand different loud sounds in my ear, even though the room is silent. The loudest sound being the struggle of my lungs grasping for air.

I want to say something. Something. Anything. A cough. Just to make them stop.

I want to move. I want to move my legs walk forward, reach my arms out, and pull her away from him.

But as I watch him kiss her, as my world crumbles around me, I can not move.

Finally, it is Mark who speaks up.

I vow eternal gratefulness to Mark.

"Hey Miki, care to introduce us?"

Miki's eyes seem to linger on the man who just arrived. Is she so unwilling to look towards us, or is she just unwilling to look away from him?

"This is Mitamura Nishi." She pauses for a second. "My boyfriend".

And when the world has crumbled, what I do is I smile more. I smile like I have never smiled before.

And then, finally I move. I move forward, and I offer my hand out.

"Matsuura Yuu, nice to meet you."

He eyes me closely, and breaks into a wide grin. "Yuu! Can I call you Yuu? You are Miki's brother from New York!"

Step-brother who used to be the love of her life I want to say, but I don't.

He grasps my hand and shakes it eagerly. I want to wrench it free, but instead, I grip his hand and shake back firmly.

"Call me Nishi. I have heard all about you from Jin, Rumi, and the others. Miki mentioned to me that you came back to work with her for a project."

She mentioned nothing to me about you.

Why is his grin getting wider? Why won't he let go of my hand that he continues to shake.

"I'm so honored to finally meet you! I have heard so many Yuu stories that I feel like I already know all about you."

You know nothing about me.

"Miki says that aside from her, you are the only other normal one in the family."

She talks about me to him. But obviously she didn't mention we were once in love.

"Though I think I'm getting used to your parents by now." He laughs out loud. "They are always so interesting."

I don't want you to get used to them.

And why won't you stop talking?

"Say, do you want to join us for dinner? I would love the chance to get to know another member of Miki's family better. I made a reservation for two at an Italian restaurant a couple of blocks away, but I know them quite well, so I'm sure we can add a couple more, no problem."

I look to Miki. She looks at me, but I can't read her at all.

What do you want me to do Miki?

Do you really want me to come and eat dinner with your new boyfriend?

Does it not bother you at all?

What am I to you?

A hand falls on my shoulder.

I look around to see Mark.

"Actually, Yuu, if you don't mind, there are actually quite a few things about the project I want to discuss with you."

Did I already mention that I pledge eternal gratefulness to Mark?

I smile brightly at Nishi. "Perhaps another time. I look forward to having a good chat with you too."

Liar.

I pick up my bags and follow Mark to the door. I turn back and look at them, but my eyes linger on her. "Good night. Enjoy your evening."

I shut the door behind me before I can hear their response.

* * *

I hate this. I hate my job, I hate Tokyo, I hate this project, I hate this cultural center, I hate this office, I hate everything. 

I hate him, I hate her, I hate myself.

Damn it.

I grab the folders on top of my desk and throw them to the wall behind me. The hard folders bang on the wall before they crash onto the floor.

I feel eyes turned to my attention, but no one says anything. Recently, I have been someone that people avoid at Higurashi Designs. Not because I am a stranger who just recently arrived from another firm to work on a project, but because I have been less than pleasant to work with.

I know that. I don't want to. But I can't stop myself.

I have seen Saki eyeing me. I understand she must be exercising great professionalism to have not spoken up yet, but I expect if I continue to act out like this, something will be done.

I sit down at my desk and clasp my head between my hands.

I haven't looked her in the eyes for more than a week. Not since I met Nishi.

I expected this. Of course I did. How could she not have someone?

Still. What I expected doesn't help to ease any pain now.

I lower my head until it touches the desk, my face hidden away from everyone.

Damn it.

Tears start to sting my eyes.

Damn it all.


	6. Bitter Marmalade

I found my muse this week, and so here is another chapter. This is a very long chapter to make up for the shorter than usualChapter 5.

Thank you for all the comments. I've been reading requests to add the POV of Miki. Sorry to disappoint you, but the story will remain Yuu's POV. I've been thinking about changing it to Miki, but well..._laughs in secrecy_...maybe when the time is right.

Please keep up the R&R! My muse gets inspired like that.

* * *

The elevator door finally opens and I take a step forward towards freedom. As it starts it's descend, I take a deep breath. 

It has been a long day.

It has been a long week to be precise.

Mark has been sick in bed for the last week, and my days at work have been, to say the least, trying.

It is difficult when no one wants to talk to you.

People in the office are still avoiding me. It has been two weeks since a random object has been thrown across the studio space, but I know I still haven't been friendly. The smile that I used to muster up for others hasn't appeared in a while.

I learned the ability to smile to please others when I was in the sixth grade. When have I lost this ability?

The one person who does try to speak to me, I don't want to speak with.

Miki has come up to my desk a few times since Mark became sick.

She talked about the project. I answered her with as few words as possible.

She talked about having heard from our parents in Hawaii, I nod but I said nothing.

She asked me out to lunch the other day. I hesitated. Part of me wanted to finally be able to sit down and talk to her, but something in me cried no, and so I offered some excuse about work and deadlines.

Was it anger that stopped me? Fear?

Mere self-preservation probably.

The chime of the elevator wakes me from my thoughts and I walk out quickly for my escape.

My escape is halted though.

A pair of familiar dark eyes catches my attention at the far end of the lobby.

"Miwa!"

The familiar grin of Satoshi Miwa welcomes me as I take large strides towards my old school friend.

As I get closer, I see that he is not alone.

I smile knowinglyg at the two black-haired girls on either side of Miwa.

"You always manage to find yourself surrounded by beautiful girls."

Miwa smiles haplessly at me as he lifts them up with his arms.

"Ayaka has work and the babysitter cancelled at the last minute. It was a super-dad-to-the-rescue moment."

I look down at the sleeping pink clad infant girls he is carrying on each arm.

"They have your hair and eyes. But I think they must get their good behavior from their Mother."

Miwa sighs in defeat as he gently place them one by one back in the stroller.

"They were crying their lungs out earlier ago while I was waiting for you. Rocking them to sleep side by side was the only way to quiet them down."

With his hands free, Miwa reaches out and catches me off guard as he grabs my head in a headlock.

"What's up with not even letting me know you were here in Tokyo?"

I mockingly struggle to get free. "I have been swamped with work since I arrived!"

Miwa tightens the headlock and messes with my hair using his other hand.

"Not good enough Matsuura Yuu. You've been back for more than a month!"

"Ow ow, I knew you were busy with your twin girls!"

"You would have given me a chance to escape from the house!"

I raise my hands in defeat. "I give up! Forgive me Miwa-sama. I should have called, I should have!"

Miwa finally releases my head and as I stand, we look into each other's eyes.

We burst into laughter.

Miwa extends his hand and grasps my hand in a firm grip.

"Good to see you Yuu"

I shake his hand firmly and smile truly for the first time in more than a month.

"Good to see you too Miwa."

* * *

I look across the table at Miwa. 

27 years old, married, operates his own talent agency, former school play boy.

And now he is bottle-feeding a tiny infant girl in front of me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see women at nearby tables pointing at Miwa.

"You know, all your fans from high school would swoon more to see you like this."

"Hey, why do you think I like to bring them out with me?"

I laugh before I take a sip from my coffee cup.

"So fatherhood hasn't changed you. I thought Ayaka would have managed by now."

"Ayaka knows it's just for show." He winks at my direction. "But enough about me Yuu. What has been going on with you?"

I lift my cup to my lips again to delay answering the question.

"Well, I'm back in Japan to head my first major project. There were some difficulties at the start, but I'm managing and everything is proceeding well now."

Miwa eyes me as he continues to bottle feed his baby daughter. "What about outside of work?"

I lift my hands above my head as though to stretch.

"Same old thing. Though I'm thinking about getting a dog when I return to the States. A colleague of mine in New York is a part-time breeder. He is always asking if I'm interested in one but I think it's kind of hard to have a pet in the city. It's the same problem living in Tokyo, don't you think?"

But Miwa was not to be distracted.

"If there is no one in New York, you should use this chance in Tokyo to meet someone new."

I finger the rim of my cup.

In my hesitation, Miwa speaks up.

"Everyone moves on eventually."

There is something in his voice.

There is something I need to know, and I think he knows the answer.

"How long has she been dating him?"

Miwa stares down intently at the baby in his arm. Intently away from my prying eyes.

"Two years."

Oh.

"She has been dating him for two years."

I look down at my hands on the table.

Two years. That's a long time.

"Miki didn't have anyone serious for years. Not after you. All through University, I'd see guys go up to her, and sometimes she would go out with them once or twice, but there was nothing long-term."

My hands must be very fascinating. I can't look away.

"Then something changed two years ago."

He pauses.

"She met Nishi."

The veins on the top of my hands are quite blue aren't they?

"Nishi is one of the co-owners of Oda Stadium. Miki met him when her firm was hired to renovate it."

"It is actually kind of interesting it was Nishi that Miki chose after all these years. In many ways, Nishi isthe complete opposite from you."

I close my fists. White knuckles. They are definitely white.

Miwa laughs softly.

"Where you keep everything inside you, Nishi is a what-you-see is what-you-get kind of guy."

"He is the kind of guy you notice at a party, because he is outgoing and warm to everyone, and he will be telling the crowd the most interesting stories."

"He displays an abundance of energy in everything that he does."

He pauses again.

"And he loves her. She is happy."

I release my fists and lean back on my chair.

That is a lot of information to digest at once. Some of it falls in with what I had imagined in my head. So that is how they met. So that is what he does. So that is what they are.

What we were, and what they are.

A world of difference.

"I never stopped loving her you know."

I finally look up into his eyes.

He looks back at me.

"I know."

Silence fills the air between us.

It was something that we both knew. This knowledge created a tension that had hung in the air between us from the moment I got off the elevator and saw Miwa in the lobby.

Somehow, saying it out loud, released that tension.

It was as though we could both finally breathe.

An eternity seemed to have passed until finally Miwa gets up and walks around the table until to reach my side. He bends down and places the now sleeping baby girl in my arms.

"There is a lot in life to look forward to."

I look down at the soft pink bundle in my arms. She feels so soft. Her eyes closed to show fully her long lashes. She seems to smile in her sleep. Looking at her, a swell of warmth grows inside me.

"There is, isn't there?"

I look up and smile back at Miwa.

Miwa chuckles. "I was just thinking, the sight with the two of us like this, holding two babies between us, it's bound to bring back our coupling rumor back in high school."

"Let's face it Miwa, there were rumors about you with everyone in the school."

"You might have been the best looking one I was paired up with."

We both burst out laughing.

* * *

"Alright Yuu, it's time for me to bring my girls home. It's almost dinner time and Ayaka is probably home by now." 

I glance at my watch. "Wow, we've been talking for almost two hours." I stand up to help tug in his still sleeping daughters. "They are beautiful Miwa."

"Of course. Just look at their Father and Mother."

"Say hi to Ayaka for me okay?"

"Yup, I will. Ayaka is always concerned about how you are doing. I'll report that you are healthy and fine. But you're welcome to do that yourself. Come over to our house next week for dinner."

I nod with a smile. "I'd like that."

"So that's a yes. I'll hold you to that. You better keep your word or else I know where to find you."

I pause. There is something that has been bugging me.

"How did you know I was back and how to find me in the first place anyways?"

Miwa pushes the stroller through the opened entrance door and looks back at me with a smile but serious eyes. "There are people close to you that care about you. Don't forget that."

With that, he gives a wave and the door closes behind him.

I stare at the closed door for a while before grabbing my own belongings to leave. The afternoon with Miwa re-energized me and I want to head back to the office quickly to gather some papers that I can work on tonight.

Miwa would sigh if he knew our talk just immediately led me to do more work, but I think it actually did much more than that.

As I enter Higurashi Designs, I notice that the light in the main studio space is still on. Someone is still here.

"Hello?" Miki's head pops out with a curious express from the staff room. "Yuu, what are you doing back?"

I was caught momentarily off guard. Instead of following my normal instincts to just run quickly to my desk to grab my papers and leave, I walk towards her to the staff room door entrance.

"I forgot some papers and decided to come back. What are you still doing here? It's almost 8 o'clock."

Miki gives a small smile and a shrug. "I felt inspired earlier and decided to stay and get all my ideas down." She looks down shyly at the cup of tea in her hands. "It's your project that I'm working on. I really like it a lot Yuu."

It's been a while since I've seen this side of her. Since the first day I've been back, it felt like there was a cold wall between us. Professionalism? Detachment?

What if it was I who built that wall?

That means I can tear it down any time right?

"I met up with Miwa earlier this afternoon."

"Oh?" Her eyes lighted up. "How did it go?"

I smile widely. "It was great." I smooth the hair on the top of my head with a guilty expression my face. "I really should have called him ages ago but somehow I just procrastinated. Good thing he somehow found me."

I pause. Then, "It was you who told Miwa to come find me, wasn't it?"

Miki looks down at her cup for a while and then walks into the staff room. I silently follow her in.

With her back to me, she opens the kitchen cabinets and reaches in to pull down something. I can't see what it is.

She suddenly turns around to face me with a bright smile and I see she has a jar in her hands.

A marmalade jam jar.

"Say Yuu, do you remember when we were kids and I used to tease you and say you were like marmalade?"

I start laughing out loud and put my hands on the counter for support.

"You remember right? I'd say you were sweet on the outside, but bitter in the inside because you would always make fun of me."

I nod as I continue laughing. There is something about her wide smile. It brings me back to that morning nine years agowhen we sat across each other at the breakfast table. She smiled widely in triumph as she pointed to the marmalade jar and then at me to draw the comparison between us.

"I miss the sweetness."

I stop laughing. I look at her closely. She is no longer smiling widely. She is staring intently at the jar held in her hands. She looks up at me with a weak smile.

"You have been bothered since you came back, and whatever it is that has been bothering you, it made you act all bitter, and only bitter."

She pauses.

"Bitter marmalade is no good you know. I didn't like it."

I look at her in silence.

"I told Miwa you were in Tokyo and asked him to meet you because I was concerned. I know you have always been close to Miwa, like brothers. Back when we were in high school, you could talk to Miwa like no one else. I hoped that he could help to lighten whatever it is that has been weighing on you."

Her eyes look up at me, filled with question and hesitation, as though unsure of my reaction.

"It's been a while Yuu, since I felt the sweetness part in you. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I wanted to help bring it back."

I remember Miwa's words from earlier. _There are people close to you that care about you. Don't forget that._ I've made Miki, Miwa and probably also Mark, worry over me. Miwa was right to remind me, because I have forgotten. I have been alone for so long that I forgot there are still many people here who would be upset to see me behaving like I have.

"Thank you for doing that Miki." I smile reassuringly at her. "We had a great afternoon, and I do feel a lot better after having met Miwa."

She sighs in relief. "I'm glad to hear that."

I realize it's been a while since we've stood alone talking like this. The strange awkward cold wall that had stood between us for the last month, no, the last nine years, seems to eased a little bit.

I look at her. I'm not sure what is it that I feel when I see her. A lover? A sister? A colleague? Perhaps it doesn't matter. She is someone that cares about me, and who I care for in return.

I don't want her or anyone else to worry about me again.

I need to take steps forward and make myself happy.

"Now that I know you are not mad at me for me arranging your rendezvous with Miwa, you know, there is a long line of people who know about your return to Tokyo and want to meet with you." She grins at me.

"Who?" I ask with a laugh.

"Let's see." Miki pretends to think seriously. "There is Meiko and Namura-sensei. They come to Tokyo quite often for work, so you can see them quite easily. There is Ginta and Arimi. You probably haven't gotten them an engagement present yet, so you should do that. And I ran into Tsutomu a while back and he said something about a tennis rematch.

I laugh loudly. "Well, it seems my grand return has been greatly anticipated."

"Indeed it has." She looks warmly at me. "Welcome back Yuu."

I look at her smiling face and a thousand different emotions wash over me. I want to keep seeing this smiling face. I want to keep seeing this smiling face looking at me. Whatever it is that troubles inside me, I want to move on. I don't want her to worry over me. I don't want to feel bitter any more. Find the sweet part of me again, as she would say.

I smile back. A sincere and true smile.

"It's good to be back."


End file.
